It could be that I haven't had a night at home among all the children's activities, but I'm feeling quiet, solemn and depressed with a bit of anger mixed in.
I can't help but let my mind wander to my ex's "new" family. I feel cheated and distraught for myself and our daughter. She basically hasn't had a father since she was four. How is it fair in any sense of the word that this new child gets a full-time dad when mine had to settle for less than a part-time one. His stepson will get more attention and benefits than she ever did. He's HER dad!!! Yet, she has to do without.
Yes, I broke off our relationship for his failure to commit. (He's only married now to save face and because he thinks it's the easy way out.) However, I did not break off the father-daughter relationship. He's the one who backed away and quit. I live my life and do what I need to do for my family. Of course all his anger and blame comes back to me. My daughter is well aware of everything. I don't hold back. That way everything can come back and bite him.
I guess I take comfort in the fact that she's coming along just fine and it doesn't seem to matter too much. She does have some trust issues and emotionally reverts sometimes. He doesn't even realize the mental impact his decisions have on her.
As selfish as it is I, also, relish in the knowledge that his wife is getting what she deserves. She selfishly took a father away from his child, 10 hours away, and has started her own family with him. She did not marry a good person. He was at once, but has changed so much. He's not even supporting them and is using her mother and family. He has not proved himself to be a very upstanding man. As a fellow woman I would never involve myself romantically with a man that has distanced himself from his children for whatever reason. I guarantee their marriage will end within 5 years or they will have the same relationship his parents do. He will stay married to her for financial reasons and have numerous affairs. She will be too weak to leave.
The whole marriage thing is just odd. He has dated her a couple of times, but had little interest in her. Cheated and left every time. He even moved alone while they were dating for his job. When he told me of his marriage I asked him why and I really couldn't understand it. The whole unexpected pregnancy makes it all make sense. They posted nothing of their marriage on the popular networking site until the day of the wedding. Our daughter got an invitation the day of, two hours before. They put up an album and friend's comments were along the lines of, "What?" and "You got married?" The baby is no different. It's at least 5 months along and no one has said a word. They have nothing posted and friends haven't asked or said anything. I suppose they'll just post pictures and have everyone figure it out. Seems like they're both embarrassed and stuck in this situation. If they were so in love and happy you'd think they'd be shouting their joyous news everywhere.
This was not an act of love, but an act of survival.
When I look at it realistically I'm doing the right thing. I know what's best for my family and myself. I'm raising my children to be independent upstanding citizens. I've come along further on my own than I probably ever would have with him.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
My Daughter, The Not So Budding Singer
As a mother I am required to say this, but my daughter has a wonderful full and mature singing voice. However, she refuses to use it. The children's choir director has pursued her. The music teacher gave her a solo at the yearly performance. The P.E. and Art teacher have tried to inspire her, but still she won't sing.
I feel the desire is there, but she is scared of being exceptional. She likes to blend in and she hates being the center of attention. While other kids are listening to Justin Beiber she is listening to Wicked and Cats. We visit our local Orpheum theater frequently.
Recently an opportunity came that I would not let her pass on. There is a local choir that has travelled the globe and been invited to the White House by Bush and Clinton for the national tree lighting. It is a very good group of children that not only perform, but learn proper technique and receive vocal instruction along the way. I made her audition. The director said she was blown away by the quality of her voice. My daughter refuses to do this, but I am making her.
She has few interests and no extracurriculars. I have never forced her to do anything, but it has just turned her into a lazy, non-trying, under-achieving child. This is a great opportunity to build confidence and foster her natural ability. I am forcing her into this.
We went to the first rehearsal and she refused to go in. Once coaxed in she refused to participate and gave evil stares to the director. She stormed out afterwards pointed at me and said, "You are no longer my mother." Then she stormed to the car. It really shouldn't be this stressful. I do feel it is necessary to get her out of her comfort zone. She is a very smart talented child, but she will vastly limit herself with this attitude.
We did get a call from the director about the disrespect toward her and myself. This is a honor choir and this behavior is not tolerated. She talked to my daughter and they have agreed to give it three more tries.
Because of past abuse (paternal grandfather) and frequent abandonment by her father she has really high defenses and trust issues. She has a really hard time letting go and enjoying herself. I really want her to try this. I think she will like it once she lets her walls down. She can't go her whole life never trying anything.
I feel the desire is there, but she is scared of being exceptional. She likes to blend in and she hates being the center of attention. While other kids are listening to Justin Beiber she is listening to Wicked and Cats. We visit our local Orpheum theater frequently.
Recently an opportunity came that I would not let her pass on. There is a local choir that has travelled the globe and been invited to the White House by Bush and Clinton for the national tree lighting. It is a very good group of children that not only perform, but learn proper technique and receive vocal instruction along the way. I made her audition. The director said she was blown away by the quality of her voice. My daughter refuses to do this, but I am making her.
She has few interests and no extracurriculars. I have never forced her to do anything, but it has just turned her into a lazy, non-trying, under-achieving child. This is a great opportunity to build confidence and foster her natural ability. I am forcing her into this.
We went to the first rehearsal and she refused to go in. Once coaxed in she refused to participate and gave evil stares to the director. She stormed out afterwards pointed at me and said, "You are no longer my mother." Then she stormed to the car. It really shouldn't be this stressful. I do feel it is necessary to get her out of her comfort zone. She is a very smart talented child, but she will vastly limit herself with this attitude.
We did get a call from the director about the disrespect toward her and myself. This is a honor choir and this behavior is not tolerated. She talked to my daughter and they have agreed to give it three more tries.
Because of past abuse (paternal grandfather) and frequent abandonment by her father she has really high defenses and trust issues. She has a really hard time letting go and enjoying herself. I really want her to try this. I think she will like it once she lets her walls down. She can't go her whole life never trying anything.
Part Two
I guess I don't feel like getting into this much after all. I'll finish my story and venture onto other things...
Fresh out of high school by about a month I find out we're pregnant. He told me not to worry he'd take care of us. We were afraid to tell anyone because we were such goody-goodies growing up. This was definitely not anything we had planned at the moment. We did plan to marry and have children after college. We hid it for about nine months while we both attended college. We lived in dorms close to each other, I didn't show much and everyone assumed it was the Freshman 15. We told our families right at the start of the 2nd semester and had our daughter one month later. I took a semester off and his life went on as usual. I still loved him to death, but we didn't rush marriage. We weren't financially stable, being only 19, and I wanted to marry for the right reasons. I raised our daughter in my parents house so I could still attend college and help provide a better life for my family.
My parents made things hard on him, but at the same time he was not as responsible to us as he should have been. He still went out and he still attended all his regular activities. I can't say I didn't resent that. My life consisted of school and baby. He got angry when I couldn't make it out with him. I, also, found out he never informed his friends we had a baby at home. My parents babysat while I was at school and his mom was too busy raising his sister's kid. I guess after 4 years all the little things grew and grew. He never put a ring on my finger, but did tell me I could tell people we were engaged?! I don't think he didn't want to marry me, but he's not one for making decisions and taking control. If I had brought the issue to him and said this is what we're doing we'd be married today. That's the one thing I wanted him to do on his own. I found someone else and left.
No, It was not the right way to go about things. There was so much going on in my life at that point. So many things I felt like I had no control over. I suppose this was the one thing I could change and I did. Unfortunately, this is the biggest regret of my life and has been the jumping point of so many bad things. I started dating Brian, but after 9 years and a child I really missed John. We tried to get back together twice, but there was too much anger on his side from my decision to leave him.
I ended up pregnant again. Because of the on again-off again trying to get John back into my life I assumed the baby was his. He assumed it was not and ran off to a state 12 hours away, leaving his daughter and I to fend for ourselves. I, of course, had to get court ordered child support to make ends meet and this was the end of the end. I guess I found out what was more important to him, money won. Still, 7 years later, when anything goes wrong or he's angry I get a phone call or text about child support. I'm a liar, blah, blah, blah. I'm sure it's all the same for custodial parents with angry exes. I never lied about anything and I did nothing wrong getting support for my daughter. I did find out the baby was not his, but in fact Brian's. This was definitely not a position I wanted to be in especially at that moment. But, that's what happens when you're not being careful enough.
John has been in and out of our daughter's life (she is 11). Moved back toward us for a little bit. Currently, he has impregnated another girl and had a shot-gun wedding. I'm pretty sure she planned it all and all he had to do was show up. Which is funny because he has told everyone our daughter is all he needs. He had no plans to marry anytime soon or have more children. That's even why his last relationship ended. His gf of about 2 years wanted to get married and start a family. He didn't and she left. He got back with the nastiest girl he's ever dated. I guess she finally found a way to keep him.
I firmly believe because of their past relationships he is not in love with her, but rather needs a free place to live and doesn't want to pay two child supports. They live with her mom, aunt, uncle and her son from another man. It's a messed up situation that I don't really want my daughter to be a part of. I guess he has shown his true colors and I should be thankful not to be with a man that can't even support his new family. I am angry and bitter about it. She and her two children get something I've wanted since I was 13. As a smart woman I do know that living in my mom's house at 30 with an irresponsible husband would not have been something I wanted. But, I can't help but wonder what might have been. Was it the end of us that turned him into this pathetic angry monster or was I just too blind to see it for the 9 years I was in love with him?
All of this sounds crazy and trailer park. I promise I'm from a nice normal upper-middle class family. I was raised well. Sometimes things just get out of hand. I graduated from a very good college with a bachelor's degree. I work full-time and own my own home. My children attend a local private school. We do well for ourselves, but we do without as well. It's a fine balancing act and everyone is taken care of.
Well, that's basically the story of my life at this point and my journey into motherhood.
Fresh out of high school by about a month I find out we're pregnant. He told me not to worry he'd take care of us. We were afraid to tell anyone because we were such goody-goodies growing up. This was definitely not anything we had planned at the moment. We did plan to marry and have children after college. We hid it for about nine months while we both attended college. We lived in dorms close to each other, I didn't show much and everyone assumed it was the Freshman 15. We told our families right at the start of the 2nd semester and had our daughter one month later. I took a semester off and his life went on as usual. I still loved him to death, but we didn't rush marriage. We weren't financially stable, being only 19, and I wanted to marry for the right reasons. I raised our daughter in my parents house so I could still attend college and help provide a better life for my family.
My parents made things hard on him, but at the same time he was not as responsible to us as he should have been. He still went out and he still attended all his regular activities. I can't say I didn't resent that. My life consisted of school and baby. He got angry when I couldn't make it out with him. I, also, found out he never informed his friends we had a baby at home. My parents babysat while I was at school and his mom was too busy raising his sister's kid. I guess after 4 years all the little things grew and grew. He never put a ring on my finger, but did tell me I could tell people we were engaged?! I don't think he didn't want to marry me, but he's not one for making decisions and taking control. If I had brought the issue to him and said this is what we're doing we'd be married today. That's the one thing I wanted him to do on his own. I found someone else and left.
No, It was not the right way to go about things. There was so much going on in my life at that point. So many things I felt like I had no control over. I suppose this was the one thing I could change and I did. Unfortunately, this is the biggest regret of my life and has been the jumping point of so many bad things. I started dating Brian, but after 9 years and a child I really missed John. We tried to get back together twice, but there was too much anger on his side from my decision to leave him.
I ended up pregnant again. Because of the on again-off again trying to get John back into my life I assumed the baby was his. He assumed it was not and ran off to a state 12 hours away, leaving his daughter and I to fend for ourselves. I, of course, had to get court ordered child support to make ends meet and this was the end of the end. I guess I found out what was more important to him, money won. Still, 7 years later, when anything goes wrong or he's angry I get a phone call or text about child support. I'm a liar, blah, blah, blah. I'm sure it's all the same for custodial parents with angry exes. I never lied about anything and I did nothing wrong getting support for my daughter. I did find out the baby was not his, but in fact Brian's. This was definitely not a position I wanted to be in especially at that moment. But, that's what happens when you're not being careful enough.
John has been in and out of our daughter's life (she is 11). Moved back toward us for a little bit. Currently, he has impregnated another girl and had a shot-gun wedding. I'm pretty sure she planned it all and all he had to do was show up. Which is funny because he has told everyone our daughter is all he needs. He had no plans to marry anytime soon or have more children. That's even why his last relationship ended. His gf of about 2 years wanted to get married and start a family. He didn't and she left. He got back with the nastiest girl he's ever dated. I guess she finally found a way to keep him.
I firmly believe because of their past relationships he is not in love with her, but rather needs a free place to live and doesn't want to pay two child supports. They live with her mom, aunt, uncle and her son from another man. It's a messed up situation that I don't really want my daughter to be a part of. I guess he has shown his true colors and I should be thankful not to be with a man that can't even support his new family. I am angry and bitter about it. She and her two children get something I've wanted since I was 13. As a smart woman I do know that living in my mom's house at 30 with an irresponsible husband would not have been something I wanted. But, I can't help but wonder what might have been. Was it the end of us that turned him into this pathetic angry monster or was I just too blind to see it for the 9 years I was in love with him?
All of this sounds crazy and trailer park. I promise I'm from a nice normal upper-middle class family. I was raised well. Sometimes things just get out of hand. I graduated from a very good college with a bachelor's degree. I work full-time and own my own home. My children attend a local private school. We do well for ourselves, but we do without as well. It's a fine balancing act and everyone is taken care of.
Well, that's basically the story of my life at this point and my journey into motherhood.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Getting to Know You
As I sit here and eat a cupcake, I will welcome you to my blog. This blog is mostly for my own benefit. Writing is healing and who's not in the need of healing in one way or another. I believe in full disclosure and am often too honest. This may be a bit much at first, but I think we will start with how I became who I am today and my journey into motherhood...
Eighth grade was the year of grunge, Nirvana, bodysuits and my first true love. He was too skinny, a dork and I wasn't into his thick horse-like hair. It was in no means love at first sight in this lukewarm Southern December. Something about his carefree nature and natural charm grew on me fast. By February I had decided that I must make him mine. I was the one to ask him out in the form of a talking Valentine. I practiced my recorded snippet over and over again until it was perfect, "John, this is Autumn and I really really like you and was wondering if you'd go out with me." Seeing as I was the one handing it to him, who else would it be! It all seemed so perfect and serious then. This was the very beginning of the most intense, fulfilling, happiest relationship I've had to this day.
As with most young couples we became inseparable. We talked daily for what seemed like hours. We wrote letters back and forth and saw each other every chance we got. My friends loved him and he got along with my sister. We had one minor break-up in high-school. While apart we had the same dream about being side by side on a porch swing overlooking the mountains. We weren't a silly on again off again high-school relationship. We were very serious and committed. We quickly became one. Nothing extraordinary went on in these years, just normal boyfriend girlfriend stuff. Our first kiss was on a youth trip Sophomore year. We always knew we'd be together and that's probably around the time we began discussing marriage as well. Yes, I know we were still very young, but we were so very much in love. Every touch from him was like new for me and even 3-4 years into dating I got butterflies every time I saw him. I never pictured my life without him.
After high school was our first major change and the next chapter of our life...
Eighth grade was the year of grunge, Nirvana, bodysuits and my first true love. He was too skinny, a dork and I wasn't into his thick horse-like hair. It was in no means love at first sight in this lukewarm Southern December. Something about his carefree nature and natural charm grew on me fast. By February I had decided that I must make him mine. I was the one to ask him out in the form of a talking Valentine. I practiced my recorded snippet over and over again until it was perfect, "John, this is Autumn and I really really like you and was wondering if you'd go out with me." Seeing as I was the one handing it to him, who else would it be! It all seemed so perfect and serious then. This was the very beginning of the most intense, fulfilling, happiest relationship I've had to this day.
As with most young couples we became inseparable. We talked daily for what seemed like hours. We wrote letters back and forth and saw each other every chance we got. My friends loved him and he got along with my sister. We had one minor break-up in high-school. While apart we had the same dream about being side by side on a porch swing overlooking the mountains. We weren't a silly on again off again high-school relationship. We were very serious and committed. We quickly became one. Nothing extraordinary went on in these years, just normal boyfriend girlfriend stuff. Our first kiss was on a youth trip Sophomore year. We always knew we'd be together and that's probably around the time we began discussing marriage as well. Yes, I know we were still very young, but we were so very much in love. Every touch from him was like new for me and even 3-4 years into dating I got butterflies every time I saw him. I never pictured my life without him.
After high school was our first major change and the next chapter of our life...
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